It hit me this evening that one day in the near future the woman laying in the bedroom next to mine, who I know as my step grandmother, will take her last breath... I may even be present when this happens. While I have experienced loved ones die, I have never been present for it and I find the thought making me very emotional. I have experienced life enter into this world with the birth of my daughter... that first breath, first cry and her frail beauty as she clung to me... but never experienced life leaving as the last breath is exhaled...
In the last few months as I transitioned into a new job, new town, new life style as a single mother I have been extended the courtesy of staying with my Dad and Stepmom until I find my own place. My Stepmom's mother lives here as well. We share the upstairs portion of the house with our bedroom doors side by side. I pass her room everyday. As I try to stay out of the way of those caring for her, keep my child and I quiet so not to disturb her rest and as try to sit and talk and offer what words I feel she might need to hear, I am actually at a loss. Truly lost... What do I say to this woman? She is so worried about being an inconvenience yet her children care for her relentlessly, extending the same love and compassion she did as a mother to them as children. The cycle of life is so beautiful and yet gut wrenching to see. I remember a book about a mother that carried her infant child and then carried the child through all stages of life and in the end, as she passed on, it was her child that carried her. The beauty in this is hard to see and never experienced by some, but I truly believe it is how it should be. Sometimes all I know to do is offer a smile and a few words as I rush by with my child out the door with our busy hectic lives... As I leave I wonder "do I know her full story?" What is the story I want told about me? What will my legacy be? What is my purpose?
She is content to leave... She is content with her life, only wanting to see a few more faces of the ones she loved in this life. She is ready to go home...
I have recently listened to a few podcast and "purpose" keeps getting brought up. I am left asking myself what is my purpose?... I had it so clearly defined for so long... and now after going through a huge transition of learning so much about myself and making some major life changes I am left with needing to redefine my purpose. I allowed my purpose to be strictly defined by certain people and a specific task. Unfortunately we are imperfect humans and we constantly fail each other and ourselves... I failed myself for so long that I finally broke. That process of breaking has allowed me to love and accept myself. For the first time in my life I know who I am and I am happy with me, but I have so completely redefined "me" that I am not sure where or if I fit into the life I had before. I am ok with the slow process required to discover this.
But what is my purpose now?... I do know it is not the one I once held tightly too.
Why do we get up every morning? Why do we do the things we do? Why do we train and put our bodies and minds through all that we do?
I am working on my why and my purpose right now... I have bits and pieces put together but have many more puzzle pieces laying around that need placing before the full picture is reviled. But perhaps the puzzle is never completed... not until our last breath...
While I can not share my purpose right now, I can share my why... Over the last year and a half I have discovered that my history is marred with all the limitations I place on myself... I had so many "I can't, I'll never, I'm not good enough, fast enough, I'll never be..." These blead through personal, professional and every facet of my life, not just fitness.
I have erased those and the comparing that goes along with them. I learned that my limitations were my own perception... So my why is to get up everyday and find a way to remind myself that I have broken those berries and that I CAN! Whatever it may be... To remind myself that "The person I thought I was is no match for the person I really am" I will NOT crawl back in that box of who I was!!! So everyday I get up and prove to myself that I am strong, worthy and capable of overcoming ANY limitation... Not that I don't stumble and fall, need picking up or have it all figured out... Life is messy and so is this process.
This is not my typical race report or triathlon related blog but my training is deeply engrained in my why. "Why I Tri" some will say. Training is often the tool I use to accomplish my why. To show that my circumstances didn't limit me and my goals. To break past what I thought I was capable of and push forward. Everyday is a day to build myself mentally and physically. It is a very personal why but it also includes setting an example for others, trying inspire and help others become happier, healthier and that they too have false self-perceived limitations that can be removed...
I think this is leading me to my purpose...
Everyday life slips by... one breath at a time, one heart beat at a time, one step at a time... one day it fades, sometimes unexpectedly... So do you know your purpose? What is your why? Do you have it defined? Do you remind yourself?
~ Crystal
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| My reminder on my bathroom mirror... I have a few other personal things written on it as well ;) 1aerochick.com/blog http://performanceondemand.libsyn.com/pod-025-what-is-your-why |
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